Saturday, September 3, 2011

Artur Boruc?s Friday Rage List

AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. THE STRIKE -- I THINK THE SERIE A STRIKE IS OVER BUT I DON'T KNOW!!!!!!!!!!! I'M JUST SITTING AT HOME WITH MY GIANT PAINTING OF THE OLD POPE AND WAITING TO HEAR WHAT'S HAPPENING!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH MAYBE I SHOULDN'T HAVE SCREAMED AT MY PHONE UNTIL IT EXPLODED IN THE MICROWAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. THE SQUIRREL AT THE WOMEN'S MATCH -- WHEN A SQUIRREL HAS RABIES AND IT BITES YOU DOES THAT MEAN YOU HAVE RABIES NOW TOO?!?!?!??!! BECAUSE THAT HAPPENS TO ME A LOT AND I WASN'T SURE HOW THAT WORKED!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH WHY DOES MY MOUTH KEEP FOAMING??!?!?!?!?

3. MESUT OZIL'S BLACK MAGIC -- ONE TIME I MET A WITCH AND SHE DID THIS SAME EXACT THING!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE WALKED INTO A GROUP OF PEOPLE AND THEN DISAPPEARED!!!!!!!!! AND THEN A LEPRECHAUN SHOWED UP AND WE THREW GRENADES INTO A LAKE TOGETHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I CAN NO LONGER TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FEVER DREAMS AND REALITY!!!!!!!!!! I THINK THE LEPRECHAUN PART WAS REAL THOUGH!!!!!!!!!

4. CORN -- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THE CORN ALREADY HAS A PALACE!!!!!!!!!!!! SOON THE WHOLE WORLD WILL BE ITS EMPIRE!!!!!!!!!!! THROW YOUR BABIES AT IT AND RUN!!!!!!!!!!!

5. PAOLO DI CANIO FIGHTING ONE OF HIS PLAYERS -- I HAVE ALWAYS DREAMED OF HAVING A MANAGER LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE WOULD FIGHT EVERY DAY AND THEN WE WOULD WIN TROPHIES AND THEN WE WOULD HUG LIKE BROTHERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS MY DREAM!!!!!!!!! IF IT DOESN'T COME TRUE I WILL FIGHT A STATUE OF AN ELEPHANT!!!!!!!!!!!!

6. BITING AN OPPONENT -- FOOTBALLERS AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BITE EACH OTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS BARBARIC AND WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF A FOOTBALLER TRIED TO BITE ME I WOULD ELBOW HIM IN THE EAR UNTIL HE COULDN'T SMELL ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!

7. TURKEY -- I DON'T LIKE TURKEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M TALKING ABOUT THE BIRD MEAT NOT THE COUNTRY!!!!!!!!!!!!

8. DEFENDER'S FACE CAUSING AN OWN GOAL -- OHMYGOD IF ONE OF MY DEFENDERS DID THIS TO ME I WOULD BUY HIM A GREETING CARD MADE OF HEMORRHOIDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH WHY DOESN'T HEMORROIDGREETINGCARDS.COM EXIST YET?!?!?!?!?!!?

9. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI -- SO I WAS TRYING TO STAY FIT DURING THE STRIKE BY TAKING SLEEPING PILLS AND THEN SWIMMING LAPS IN MY BATH TUB UNTIL I PASSED OUT WHEN MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI LET HIMSELF INTO MY HOME AGAIN WITHOUT MY PERMISSION!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE SAID HE WAS SORRY FOR INTRUDING BUT HE WOULD LIKE TO KNOW IF I WANTED TO GO TO THE ZOO WITH HIM AND HIS GOOBER KIDS SINCE I HAD SOME FREE TIME ON MY HANDS!!!!!!!!!!!! I TOLD HIM "THAT SOUNDS GREAT!!!!!!!!!" BUT I SAID IT IN A WAY SO HE WOULD KNOW THAT I WOULD RATHER EAT TURKEY MEAT LACED WITH GORILLA FECES THAN SPEND MORE THAN EIGHT MINUTES WITH HIS FAMILY!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO THE NEXT DAY WE WENT TO THE ZOO AND I SCREAMED AT THE PENGUINS AND WE GOT KICKED OUT FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH I HOPE THOSE PENGUINS GET BEAT UP BY CAMELS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!

Photo: Piotr Kucza

Source: http://sports.yahoo.com/soccer/blog/dirty-tackle/post/Artur-Boruc-8217-s-Friday-Rage-List?urn=sow-wp4553

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