Joe Cole is already in France to begin his season-long loan with Ligue 1 champions Lille. The following is his first letter home.
I don't know if you heard, but I'm in France now to play football for a club called Lil. Like Lil Kim. I think she's the owner or something, but when I told them I was very upset when her friend Biggie Smalls died, they all looked at me weird. Maybe they didn't understand me. I've tried grunting and making noises like they do, but they don't understand that either. Talking French is harder than I thought.
I know I'll learn their language quick, though. I first learned English really fast when I was 15, so now that my brain is even bigger now, I'll probably learn French even faster. I'm not worried about that or playing football on another continent. I just want to find this Eyeful Tower.
I first heard about the Eyeful Tower yesterday when my wife told me about it. Since they call it an eyeful, I thought it would be the first thing I saw in France, but I've looked everywhere and still haven't found it yet. So that will be my goal this season. I will find the Eyeful Tower before I leave Lil. That's my promise to you England!
Anyway, tell Steven Gerrard that I never got why he wanted me to play like a messy Lionel Ritchie. I always thought he was a pretty neat guy. And please send food. I haven't found a Nando's yet.
Wish me luck!